Week five, done?

The lovely people I spend my posture clinics with: Group 20

My, how the days have flown by... Where did this week go?

I've always been known to have a skewed sense of the time-space continuum, never really have been able to measure how much time has passed or have a general notion of the distance and navigation between two locations and whatnot... but I feel like now more than ever, here more than anywhere else, my sense of time and space has absolutely gone at the window, and I don't even know where that window is. It's quite bizarre, really.

Being at teacher training, with this fixed schedule consisting of two yoga classes, two meals, and two clinics/lectures a day has really altered the way I live my current life. Pauline turned to me yesterday and asked me what the date was, and as I reached for my phone to check, I realized that these numbers have stopped mattering. That the last time I checked,  it was mid-April. And here we are, more than a month into training. Yes, I've been counting the weeks that have passed, and the weeks we have left, but I haven't stopped to actually think about the date... the season... that four weeks from now, when we're teaching and looking out the window of our studios, it will be Summer... holy shit.

We've been in this hotel, bouncing between the second and sixth floor, without ever really spending time outdoors, and there is this whole world going on around us...That's another thing about being in this yoga bubble... one never really knows what's happening in the real world. I forget... and then today I remembered, the Honors Program just held a graduation ceremony for our second cohort, the Icelandic volcano has erupted again (bringing back memories of my year in Oxford... again, presence), my favorite tv shows are tying up their seasons... again, there is a whole world going on around us! And here we are, running around like crazed, sweaty, monkeys worrying about words on a page and how much electrolytes to take in. My world has gotten so much bigger, yet physically, it barely extends the boundaries of my mat and this hotel. And when I put all the pieces together, sit back, and think about it, I am for once at a loss of words...

That's when it dawned on me that this is actually happening... that all those months I've been getting excited and freaking out and reading other people's blogs about teacher training have passed, and now, its my turn. And we're actually doing it! I'm no longer preparing for training, no longer just starting the training process... This is it. We're here. And to quote Pennylane of Almost Famous, "Its all happening!". Its all happening, and I didn't even realize it was happening and how much time has passed, because we've been so caught up in the moment. We've trained ourselves to be so present that we, most of the time, forget even our own names and how we arrived at this point. Like a constant meditation. How strange is that?

Its been a wild, wild ride. And I have a feeling its just going to get even more insane from this point on. I'm bracing myself, and trying my best to keep up with the pace.... but sometimes, the best and simplest thing one can do is to let go and just give in.

And breathe. 

Week four, done.

I didn't have a lot of time this week to do my daily posts. So rather than going back and posting about each individual day, I've decided to just reflect upon the week now as a whole. It seems that at this point in time, that is all I can really do, as the whole week at this point seems to have been just a surreal blur. I'm glad I'm blogging these days because I have a feeling I'm going to look back at this experience five weeks from now feeling the same way... a surreal blur. I don't have much to say about the specifics of what happened, so instead I'll just write what's been marinating...

It's been an interesting week, each one more inexplicable and somehow more complicated than the last. They say that your yoga practice at any given day or time is so much more than a document of that moment. That this individual experience is a culmination of every other moment you have spent, good and bad, on the mat prior. I feel like that's how my days at training have been as well, and would take this a step further to argue that perhaps the current moments on and off the mat also contain bits and pieces of the future as well. Presence. A little Hiroshima Mon Amour. And at this moment in time, I feel like these moments aren't so much building me up, but rather stripping away parts of me, leaving something incredibly raw behind. It is what it is, and I feel like I really am learning to live each time I take a moment to step back and observe everything.

It is only through the consistency of practice (or is it the practice of consistency?) that one can find their true selves in the discrepancies that happen.... I need to think more about this. Sometimes I write shit and then wonder what the hell it means.

As of today, I have used up all the dialogue I have memorized prior to coming to training. And since training has begun, I have struggled to memorize anything new. I'm just so out of my learning element here. For the past five years, at the very least, I have molded myself into a certain type of learner. Most of my learning and honing of information has been practiced under very specific circumstances. I'm a visual and kinesthetic learner, and that I have realized mostly through my experiences in college. But what I have realized here is that I am also first and foremost a solitary learner. Yes, I need small groups to form a certain foundation of my ideas, and yes, I depend upon others to deliver and truly solidify the concepts that I have arrived upon. But this process in between, the process of bridging gaps, of learning to know, and most importantly, of memorizing, I must do on my own and on my own terms. I don't know how to truly describe how I've been able to memorize everything verbatim up until this point, I just know that the environment that I have found myself in is completely opposite to what I have trained myself to do.

This week, I have been forcing myself to unlearn how I learn as a means of surviving these posture clinics. And it seems that altering the way one does things after so many years is so much more difficult than learning from scratch when not having a way to begin with. Regardless of how many reasons or excuses I can form for not being able to memorize more however, I know I must go on and do the best I can. This is tough for me because I have become so used to doing things a certain way, my way, to ensure success, or at least as little failure as possible.

A great lesson I learned this week was that sometimes I just need to let things happen. That striving for perfection is ok, but it is also ok when one doesn't hit the mark they have aimed for. That setting an intention is an end in itself, and that regardless of whatever happens, it is the intention that matters. And that is something I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of. Something new I must begin practicing. So that whatever happens from this point on is ok as long as I set my intentions and do the best I can. Both on and off the mat.

What has given me hope through my challenging moments, especially this week, is the incredible support I have felt from my peers, my mentors, my yoga family (thank you so much Carrie Bain, for stopping by and for bringing love). One really does have to go through hell to get to heaven... and I have come to appreciate a little yang in the yin. There always is a silver lining, even if we have to squint to see it. And adversity is thrown upon us only to make us stronger, to make us more us. Just as a hero in a movie cannot be a hero unless given the context and opportunities to be one, we cannot be human unless we are given these moments and chances to be so.

Week four, day one.

Morning class was taught by a visiting teacher from Kansas. Good class but I feel like I'm getting more and more stiff as each Monday comes. Perhaps its because the room hadn't been used for a while, but Monday classes typically seem a little cooler than normal. Having barely broken a sweat, I vowed that I would move to a more heated part of the room during the afternoon class.

We took our Anatomy midterm today before posture clinic. I have never laughed so hard during a test in my life. We were sitting there in rows, trying to be quiet, but kept finding ourselves being interrupted by accidental noise. Like the sound of my mom's thermos gurgling as she sipped on it, her fanning herself intensely with her finished test because the room was too stuffy (or was it menopause?), and her need to put her face against the laminated page containing her dialogue and recite into it in an attempt to not disturb those still taking the test around us. Ok maybe not so much accidental noise, but mostly just my mother and her noise. Aaron/Cheese (Our new friend from Wisconsin), Beau (Our fellow BY at the Camp trainee), and I just couldn't keep ourselves from laughing like school kids. To the point where a couple staff members had to shush us and flock over to make sure we weren't cheating or wreaking havoc, while trying to figure out what all the fuss was about.

My mom then proceeded to hold a tissue up to her nose to blow, but now aware of what a ruckus she was inadvertently causing in our corner, couldn't bring herself to, for fear of perpetuating the distraction and getting even more glares at those around us. That's when we lost it. She used that moment as an opportunity to properly blow her nose, while our laughter ( and I mean tears in eyes and can't catch my breath laughter) masked the sound and drew even more glares our way. Just when we were able to take some deep (at least six counts) breaths and calm ourselves down, Beau's stomach let out a huge grumble. At this point, we really couldn't contain ourselves... absolutely hysterical. And that was how we got kicked out.

Just kidding.

Afternoon class was taught by Diane Ducharme. Such a nice surprise, especially since we've gotten used to expecting Rajashree to teach the afternoon classes whenever Bikram isn't around. As promised, I moved away from my comfort zone and found a much more heated spot for my mat. There were definitely moments where I found myself wondering why the hell I made this decision, but it felt so good to be properly bending and sweating again. I walked out of my class, empty coconut water container and drenched towel in hand, with the biggest smile on my face. For once, in a really long time, my Bikram class did exactly what it was supposed to do, give me more energy coming out than going in. And that made the brief moments of struggle and minor anxiety completely worth it.

I enjoyed my comfort zone/ money spot for the past week, but part of me just doesn't feel like its Bikram without a little bit of an "oh shit, what am I doing here?" moment. I think I'm going to continue to give my comfort zone a break this week. After all, we're here for the challenge. And if it were smooth sailing most of the way through, this process just wouldn't be worth it.

Looking forward to tomorrow. Carrie Bain, my amazing studio owner (BYEG), will be joining us. And its always a such a pleasure being around her.

"Bang bang" -E.C.

What Rajashree read to us in Savasana

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Week three, day five.

Another day. 

Just like any other one but this afternoon's class was definitely a memorable one. I practiced next to my usual mat buddy, Pauline. My new group 20 buddy, Kendall, also started joining us in our favorite niche. Rajashree taught this afternoon's class. Per usual, our fellow group 20 friend, Welsh Glenn, raced us to the money spot. The "money spot" has become know by our small group as the spot closest to the wall, where during moments of distress, one can press their face against the crevice where the wall and floor meet and take in mini breaths of cool air. I have long bid my adieu to this place, as I feel like you can't bogart it... just use it on a weaker day and then move on, letting another yogi have their fair share of this little bit of heaven too. But when Glenn starts bolting for this wall, the competitive streak in me kicks in and somehow I always find myself trying to outrun him to the line. Often times, Monica, when she's not late to class, also joins in on the fun too. The only time you will ever see people running in the torture chamber. 

Today though, we let him have it. So our line from right to left went like this: Glen, Pauline, Me, and Kendall. Now a little background information, for those of you who aren't at training with us... Prior to this, there have been announcements made about how people should try to be considerate when passing gas during class by trying to leave the room before it happens. Its kind of a random thing to ask people to do, as sometimes, I understand there are just some things you just can't control. And that's fine with me. 

But its Friday, and we are just at the end of our ropes here. Its week three, the week of "I really have nothing else to give", and by today, we were just on the breaking point between falling apart in tears and just plain delirium. So some time after Wind Removing Pose, like clockwork, some culprit let one out. And we're all mature people here, but it just hit like no other. And one at a time, from left to right, Kendall, me, Pauline each popped up like gophers and gasped for air, while making that "Oh please no/ where the hell did that come from?!" face. Something about the timing of our reactions paired with where we were (or weren't) mentally, really just made us three lose it at the same time. I mean, practice out the window and we were just laughing hysterically at how absurd the whole situation (our synchronized reactions, how exhausted we were, and just the fact that we were laying there amongst four hundred something other sweaty people laying in Savasana trying to remain unnoticed) was. It was like we were back in kindergarden again. And despite all the dirty looks we were getting from people (which seemed to perpetuate the hysterical laughter), it was just so damn cathartic. And honestly, I hadn't worked my abs that well in a long time. 

THEN, Glenn turns over to us in the middle of his Savasana, completely unaware of what happened, and in his precious Welsh accent, asks, "Has someone had an accident?". It was absolutely the cherry on the top of the sundae. Needless to say, we lost it again. The giggle fits started to die down right around Rabbit. We all proceeded to put the towel over our feet and get into the posture when Pauline and I looked over, and saw Glenn putting his arms over his head sideways. Lost. It. Again. The funny thing is that he actually put the towel over his feet. We're pretty sure he was trying to do some hidden Bikram posture, #23.5, that probably required one to put towel over the feet for a dry non-grip before placing one's arms over the head sideways... Part of me wishes we didn't point it out to him so early on because I'm still curious as to what he planned on doing next. 

Just to top it off, our final Savasana was interrupted by Rajashree's daughter and a giant red velvet cake, as it was Rajashree's birthday the next day. All four hundred something of us sweaty yogis sang happy birthday to her. What a way to top off class. 

It was one of those days, given the circumstances, that could have been either really shitty or really great. And I am so glad it turned out so well. We really needed it. Looking forward to more days like this. 

Week three, day two.

Morning Class: Emmy Cleaves

Emmy Cleaves also gave her famous lecture on "Pain".

More anatomy. I need to start flash-carding.

Afternoon Class: Rajashree Choudhury

Posture Clinic: Awkward Pose... I need to work on timing

Had trouble staying awake and its only day two. Eeek!

Its really beginning to feel like Groundhog's Day.

More details later. I've got a date with the bed for now!

Week three, day one.

Morning class: Polly from Headquarters
Posture clinic: Backward Bending & Hands to Feet
Afternoon class: Rajashree Choudhury
Lecture: Anatomy with Jim Preddy

Just got out & exhausted. Details later.