Check check...

Bikram Yoga Teacher Training Checklist

-highlighters, pens- mark the hell out of your dialogue, it really helps!

-clothing rack to dry your clothes on

-a shopping bag on wheels for trips to the store without a car

-hot water maker/boiler, what are those things called?

-hot plate/small grill to cook with

-plates, utensils, paper towels, etc
-knife and cutting board

-tupperware
-extension cord... you might need more sockets to plug your stuff into if you plan on bringing applicances, laptops, phones, etc.
--camera

-snacks for lecture/posture clinics etc.
-eat what you crave while you're there. Random, but a lot of us craved salt and vinegar chips!

-Extra ice chest: get ice from non-TT floors, those usually aren't empty

-Tea/Coffee

-HYDROFLASK(S)

-travel blanket/small pillow- it gets cold during the late night lectures

-ear plugs

-chocolate

-electrolytes: honey/lemon/water, supplements or powders, coconut water, etc.

-"No Sweat"

-something to throw on over your yoga clothes before/after class

-more yoga clothes that you could teach in, for posture clinics

-some brought foam rollers or tennis balls
-comfortable footwear/ flip flops
-epsom salts
-essential oils (my mom swears by these... you can apply them topically to alleviate the soreness, some brands you can digest, helping boost your immune system, amongst many other benefits. something that came in really handy during training)

-some cash to tip the valet for helping you carry your stuff upstairs on day 1. You don't want to be hauling all that stuff and making that many trips up and down, conserve your energy- you'll be needing all of it soon :)

-A warm sweatshirt

-notebook to take notes/doodle/ and write dialogue in

-a journal or blog... reading through my posts from training, though only a couple months have passed, everything is coming back and its crazy how much one forgets because it seems like such a surreal blur

-a mantra, or something that you can remind your self when times get tough

Oh and Good Thai food. We'd call them before the 5pm class and would ask them to deliver at 7.

http://www.ayarathaicuisine.com/#/home 

Week 9, certified!!

Week eight, can you believe it??

We've been in this yoga bubble for so long that I've forgotten about life before teacher training. It's difficult to fathom that this coming Friday, we will officially be certified Bikram teachers. I don't feel like I'm ready to call myself that, to actually step onto the podium and teach a 90 minute class. But then again, I didn't feel  like I was ready to come to teacher training eight weeks ago either, and look where we are today! We surprise ourselves sometimes, both on and off the mat. And often times, it takes not thinking about things and just letting it all happen.

Monday was our last posture clinic. It was also the beginning of the brief moments to come where I would catch myself thinking about how far we've come, about how much we have grown, and about how much I'm going to miss moments that have come to make up our current reality. It is incredible to witness how people in my posture clinic group have found their voices, gained confidence in their teachings, and have come to even enjoy getting up there to share the dialogue we have memorized. I don't have the exact words for it, but I guess its part pride and part happiness for my fellow trainees in witnessing the great strides they have taken. To see people go through this metamorphosis and to have the privilege of sharing this experience with them, that it what has made the sweat, tears, and long nights worth it. And I now understand why so many teachers choose to come back to teacher training on their own dime, as well as where their sense of bittersweet nostalgia comes from. Four weeks ago, I thought they were all crazy. Now, I see that they're human. Perhaps a little crazy still. After all, this is Bikram Yoga.

So four more yoga days until this becomes a memory of the past that will probably creep up in my future presents as my time at teacher training. How strange is that? I'm looking forward to ending this chapter and beginning the next one, as nerve-wracking as it may be.

Some Bikram quotes...

Do you think I am a normal human being? ... Now the question is, how not normal?
I don't like cold food, I don't like cold hearts, and I don't like cold pussy!
But anyway, don't do anything to take away my concentration! I'm going to kill you now.

Bikram last night...

"What's going on in the left side corner? Somebody is doing silent but deadly or something??"

Bikram, this week.

Wow. There's two kinds of drinks. Hot chocolate and honey lemon... which one do I want? Hot chocolate... (takes a sip) Faaaaantastic!
You can't finish class in one hour. Its like high school sex. No good!
Why your heart hate your lungs? Its a horrible marriage. Between an asshole and a bitch.
Hey! Don't throw up on here. Its a new fucking carpet.
Now. The wise man comes. His name is...? BIKRAM!
I'm a combination of English bulldog and Bengal Tiger. Don't mess with me!
Like yesterday, I had to ask you guys 100 times to stop because you kept talking... Ok I exaggerate a little- I'm Indian!
And to the young lady who fell asleep during lecture with her legs uncrossed... Hellooo! I can see your uterus!
Operation successful. Patient is dead. Doctors are proud. Because they get paid by the Blue Cross!
I sell pain! Can you believe it??
Don't you know you can't make a clap with one hand? You need two hands, you idiot.
On Raja Yoga... You're all practicing it right now. When you go home, are you going to rob a bank? Are you going to kill somebody? Are you going to take revenge on your ex-husband? Chop his balls off and play ping pong with it?...maybe...

Week five, done?

The lovely people I spend my posture clinics with: Group 20

My, how the days have flown by... Where did this week go?

I've always been known to have a skewed sense of the time-space continuum, never really have been able to measure how much time has passed or have a general notion of the distance and navigation between two locations and whatnot... but I feel like now more than ever, here more than anywhere else, my sense of time and space has absolutely gone at the window, and I don't even know where that window is. It's quite bizarre, really.

Being at teacher training, with this fixed schedule consisting of two yoga classes, two meals, and two clinics/lectures a day has really altered the way I live my current life. Pauline turned to me yesterday and asked me what the date was, and as I reached for my phone to check, I realized that these numbers have stopped mattering. That the last time I checked,  it was mid-April. And here we are, more than a month into training. Yes, I've been counting the weeks that have passed, and the weeks we have left, but I haven't stopped to actually think about the date... the season... that four weeks from now, when we're teaching and looking out the window of our studios, it will be Summer... holy shit.

We've been in this hotel, bouncing between the second and sixth floor, without ever really spending time outdoors, and there is this whole world going on around us...That's another thing about being in this yoga bubble... one never really knows what's happening in the real world. I forget... and then today I remembered, the Honors Program just held a graduation ceremony for our second cohort, the Icelandic volcano has erupted again (bringing back memories of my year in Oxford... again, presence), my favorite tv shows are tying up their seasons... again, there is a whole world going on around us! And here we are, running around like crazed, sweaty, monkeys worrying about words on a page and how much electrolytes to take in. My world has gotten so much bigger, yet physically, it barely extends the boundaries of my mat and this hotel. And when I put all the pieces together, sit back, and think about it, I am for once at a loss of words...

That's when it dawned on me that this is actually happening... that all those months I've been getting excited and freaking out and reading other people's blogs about teacher training have passed, and now, its my turn. And we're actually doing it! I'm no longer preparing for training, no longer just starting the training process... This is it. We're here. And to quote Pennylane of Almost Famous, "Its all happening!". Its all happening, and I didn't even realize it was happening and how much time has passed, because we've been so caught up in the moment. We've trained ourselves to be so present that we, most of the time, forget even our own names and how we arrived at this point. Like a constant meditation. How strange is that?

Its been a wild, wild ride. And I have a feeling its just going to get even more insane from this point on. I'm bracing myself, and trying my best to keep up with the pace.... but sometimes, the best and simplest thing one can do is to let go and just give in.

And breathe. 

Week four, done.

I didn't have a lot of time this week to do my daily posts. So rather than going back and posting about each individual day, I've decided to just reflect upon the week now as a whole. It seems that at this point in time, that is all I can really do, as the whole week at this point seems to have been just a surreal blur. I'm glad I'm blogging these days because I have a feeling I'm going to look back at this experience five weeks from now feeling the same way... a surreal blur. I don't have much to say about the specifics of what happened, so instead I'll just write what's been marinating...

It's been an interesting week, each one more inexplicable and somehow more complicated than the last. They say that your yoga practice at any given day or time is so much more than a document of that moment. That this individual experience is a culmination of every other moment you have spent, good and bad, on the mat prior. I feel like that's how my days at training have been as well, and would take this a step further to argue that perhaps the current moments on and off the mat also contain bits and pieces of the future as well. Presence. A little Hiroshima Mon Amour. And at this moment in time, I feel like these moments aren't so much building me up, but rather stripping away parts of me, leaving something incredibly raw behind. It is what it is, and I feel like I really am learning to live each time I take a moment to step back and observe everything.

It is only through the consistency of practice (or is it the practice of consistency?) that one can find their true selves in the discrepancies that happen.... I need to think more about this. Sometimes I write shit and then wonder what the hell it means.

As of today, I have used up all the dialogue I have memorized prior to coming to training. And since training has begun, I have struggled to memorize anything new. I'm just so out of my learning element here. For the past five years, at the very least, I have molded myself into a certain type of learner. Most of my learning and honing of information has been practiced under very specific circumstances. I'm a visual and kinesthetic learner, and that I have realized mostly through my experiences in college. But what I have realized here is that I am also first and foremost a solitary learner. Yes, I need small groups to form a certain foundation of my ideas, and yes, I depend upon others to deliver and truly solidify the concepts that I have arrived upon. But this process in between, the process of bridging gaps, of learning to know, and most importantly, of memorizing, I must do on my own and on my own terms. I don't know how to truly describe how I've been able to memorize everything verbatim up until this point, I just know that the environment that I have found myself in is completely opposite to what I have trained myself to do.

This week, I have been forcing myself to unlearn how I learn as a means of surviving these posture clinics. And it seems that altering the way one does things after so many years is so much more difficult than learning from scratch when not having a way to begin with. Regardless of how many reasons or excuses I can form for not being able to memorize more however, I know I must go on and do the best I can. This is tough for me because I have become so used to doing things a certain way, my way, to ensure success, or at least as little failure as possible.

A great lesson I learned this week was that sometimes I just need to let things happen. That striving for perfection is ok, but it is also ok when one doesn't hit the mark they have aimed for. That setting an intention is an end in itself, and that regardless of whatever happens, it is the intention that matters. And that is something I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of. Something new I must begin practicing. So that whatever happens from this point on is ok as long as I set my intentions and do the best I can. Both on and off the mat.

What has given me hope through my challenging moments, especially this week, is the incredible support I have felt from my peers, my mentors, my yoga family (thank you so much Carrie Bain, for stopping by and for bringing love). One really does have to go through hell to get to heaven... and I have come to appreciate a little yang in the yin. There always is a silver lining, even if we have to squint to see it. And adversity is thrown upon us only to make us stronger, to make us more us. Just as a hero in a movie cannot be a hero unless given the context and opportunities to be one, we cannot be human unless we are given these moments and chances to be so.

Week four, day one.

Morning class was taught by a visiting teacher from Kansas. Good class but I feel like I'm getting more and more stiff as each Monday comes. Perhaps its because the room hadn't been used for a while, but Monday classes typically seem a little cooler than normal. Having barely broken a sweat, I vowed that I would move to a more heated part of the room during the afternoon class.

We took our Anatomy midterm today before posture clinic. I have never laughed so hard during a test in my life. We were sitting there in rows, trying to be quiet, but kept finding ourselves being interrupted by accidental noise. Like the sound of my mom's thermos gurgling as she sipped on it, her fanning herself intensely with her finished test because the room was too stuffy (or was it menopause?), and her need to put her face against the laminated page containing her dialogue and recite into it in an attempt to not disturb those still taking the test around us. Ok maybe not so much accidental noise, but mostly just my mother and her noise. Aaron/Cheese (Our new friend from Wisconsin), Beau (Our fellow BY at the Camp trainee), and I just couldn't keep ourselves from laughing like school kids. To the point where a couple staff members had to shush us and flock over to make sure we weren't cheating or wreaking havoc, while trying to figure out what all the fuss was about.

My mom then proceeded to hold a tissue up to her nose to blow, but now aware of what a ruckus she was inadvertently causing in our corner, couldn't bring herself to, for fear of perpetuating the distraction and getting even more glares at those around us. That's when we lost it. She used that moment as an opportunity to properly blow her nose, while our laughter ( and I mean tears in eyes and can't catch my breath laughter) masked the sound and drew even more glares our way. Just when we were able to take some deep (at least six counts) breaths and calm ourselves down, Beau's stomach let out a huge grumble. At this point, we really couldn't contain ourselves... absolutely hysterical. And that was how we got kicked out.

Just kidding.

Afternoon class was taught by Diane Ducharme. Such a nice surprise, especially since we've gotten used to expecting Rajashree to teach the afternoon classes whenever Bikram isn't around. As promised, I moved away from my comfort zone and found a much more heated spot for my mat. There were definitely moments where I found myself wondering why the hell I made this decision, but it felt so good to be properly bending and sweating again. I walked out of my class, empty coconut water container and drenched towel in hand, with the biggest smile on my face. For once, in a really long time, my Bikram class did exactly what it was supposed to do, give me more energy coming out than going in. And that made the brief moments of struggle and minor anxiety completely worth it.

I enjoyed my comfort zone/ money spot for the past week, but part of me just doesn't feel like its Bikram without a little bit of an "oh shit, what am I doing here?" moment. I think I'm going to continue to give my comfort zone a break this week. After all, we're here for the challenge. And if it were smooth sailing most of the way through, this process just wouldn't be worth it.

Looking forward to tomorrow. Carrie Bain, my amazing studio owner (BYEG), will be joining us. And its always a such a pleasure being around her.

"Bang bang" -E.C.

What Rajashree read to us in Savasana

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Week three, day five.

Another day. 

Just like any other one but this afternoon's class was definitely a memorable one. I practiced next to my usual mat buddy, Pauline. My new group 20 buddy, Kendall, also started joining us in our favorite niche. Rajashree taught this afternoon's class. Per usual, our fellow group 20 friend, Welsh Glenn, raced us to the money spot. The "money spot" has become know by our small group as the spot closest to the wall, where during moments of distress, one can press their face against the crevice where the wall and floor meet and take in mini breaths of cool air. I have long bid my adieu to this place, as I feel like you can't bogart it... just use it on a weaker day and then move on, letting another yogi have their fair share of this little bit of heaven too. But when Glenn starts bolting for this wall, the competitive streak in me kicks in and somehow I always find myself trying to outrun him to the line. Often times, Monica, when she's not late to class, also joins in on the fun too. The only time you will ever see people running in the torture chamber. 

Today though, we let him have it. So our line from right to left went like this: Glen, Pauline, Me, and Kendall. Now a little background information, for those of you who aren't at training with us... Prior to this, there have been announcements made about how people should try to be considerate when passing gas during class by trying to leave the room before it happens. Its kind of a random thing to ask people to do, as sometimes, I understand there are just some things you just can't control. And that's fine with me. 

But its Friday, and we are just at the end of our ropes here. Its week three, the week of "I really have nothing else to give", and by today, we were just on the breaking point between falling apart in tears and just plain delirium. So some time after Wind Removing Pose, like clockwork, some culprit let one out. And we're all mature people here, but it just hit like no other. And one at a time, from left to right, Kendall, me, Pauline each popped up like gophers and gasped for air, while making that "Oh please no/ where the hell did that come from?!" face. Something about the timing of our reactions paired with where we were (or weren't) mentally, really just made us three lose it at the same time. I mean, practice out the window and we were just laughing hysterically at how absurd the whole situation (our synchronized reactions, how exhausted we were, and just the fact that we were laying there amongst four hundred something other sweaty people laying in Savasana trying to remain unnoticed) was. It was like we were back in kindergarden again. And despite all the dirty looks we were getting from people (which seemed to perpetuate the hysterical laughter), it was just so damn cathartic. And honestly, I hadn't worked my abs that well in a long time. 

THEN, Glenn turns over to us in the middle of his Savasana, completely unaware of what happened, and in his precious Welsh accent, asks, "Has someone had an accident?". It was absolutely the cherry on the top of the sundae. Needless to say, we lost it again. The giggle fits started to die down right around Rabbit. We all proceeded to put the towel over our feet and get into the posture when Pauline and I looked over, and saw Glenn putting his arms over his head sideways. Lost. It. Again. The funny thing is that he actually put the towel over his feet. We're pretty sure he was trying to do some hidden Bikram posture, #23.5, that probably required one to put towel over the feet for a dry non-grip before placing one's arms over the head sideways... Part of me wishes we didn't point it out to him so early on because I'm still curious as to what he planned on doing next. 

Just to top it off, our final Savasana was interrupted by Rajashree's daughter and a giant red velvet cake, as it was Rajashree's birthday the next day. All four hundred something of us sweaty yogis sang happy birthday to her. What a way to top off class. 

It was one of those days, given the circumstances, that could have been either really shitty or really great. And I am so glad it turned out so well. We really needed it. Looking forward to more days like this. 

Week three, day two.

Morning Class: Emmy Cleaves

Emmy Cleaves also gave her famous lecture on "Pain".

More anatomy. I need to start flash-carding.

Afternoon Class: Rajashree Choudhury

Posture Clinic: Awkward Pose... I need to work on timing

Had trouble staying awake and its only day two. Eeek!

Its really beginning to feel like Groundhog's Day.

More details later. I've got a date with the bed for now!

Week three, day one.

Morning class: Polly from Headquarters
Posture clinic: Backward Bending & Hands to Feet
Afternoon class: Rajashree Choudhury
Lecture: Anatomy with Jim Preddy

Just got out & exhausted. Details later.

Week two, day six.

Woke up this morning thinking, how the hell am I still here and doing this?! 

But then I realized that I just needed to get my but downstairs for one Bikram session and then our weekend would commence. Its funny because the second I realized that, I stopped being tired and achy. Mind over matter. 

To top it off, Michon from our studio taught today. It was just like being home again. And for some brief moments in that class, I felt like I was practicing at BYEG and enjoying the moment. What a great way to start off the weekend. 

One of Michon's commonly used quotes:

"Get out of your head, its a bad neighborhood."

Time to jam. Mom and I are so ready for some R&R&FOOD!

Week two, day five.

Oh my goodness. One more 90 minute session and then its the weekend!

Got let out last night at a fairly decent hour. Bikram said goodbye to us last night, as he is leaving soon for Japan. Jim Kallett lectured last night, breaking down the concepts of Bikram and Hatha yoga to us and telling us his own personal Bikram story. It was quite insightful and incredibly interesting viewing this practice from a more scientific and intellectual perspective. It made me understand how these 9 weeks are really just the beginning of our education in this field. That this training is merely setting the foundation of our knowledge and beliefs. That I have barely penetrated the concept of yoga and that there is just so much more out there to read, to be taught, and to absorb.

Jim left us a lot of incredibly thought-provoking lines. Here are a couple that have really stuck:

"It never gets easier. It just becomes more possible."

"Determination without patience is recklessness. Patience without determination is laziness. Together, you're powerful. Use both, and there's nothing in this life you can't do."

"Renunciation does not mean running away, but facing one's problems squarely."

"Humility leads to progress."

This morning's class was taught by Lynn Whitlow. It was hot, of course. But I managed to stay in the room. I'm starting to get used to the idea that my practice here isn't going to be as solid as what it is under normal circumstances. Its difficult, but I'm slowly beginning to accept that its ok that my practice is changing due to these extremely different circumstances we have found ourselves in.

Afternoon class was taught by one of the staff members. Patrice from Costa Mesa visited again and practiced in the back. I'm convinced she is my lucky charm because for the first time, despite the insane heat in the room, I was actually able to do all of the postures. Either that, or perhaps the good news of having the rest of the night off, gave me that extra push to keep going.

Its interesting that no matter how many ups and downs (and I had some serious downs) I had this week, at this moment in time, I'm still alright and feeling like I'm doing the right thing. I'm over worrying about how brutal it has been. Whatever happened happened and rather than wallowing in my own self pity, and I've been able to let go. One, two, three, Savasana. And that is one of the greatest gifts this training has given me thus far, the ability to move on.

Looking forward to this weekend. A well deserved massage is certainly in order. Excellent food is on the horizon. And just to top it off, I get to see a certain someone this Sunday before doing this all over again! Life is good. Life is very good.

Week two, day four.

Morning class with Emmy Cleaves. Just got out of the afternoon class with Jim Kallett.

Both classes were sweltering. I heard it was about 130 degrees today in there? I did my best and managed to stay on the mat. These classes have become my daily battles. Battling against the heat, against my body, and especially, against my mind. My practice may not have improved (in fact, I think teacher training is slowly ruining my practice), but my ability to breathe through these rough moments has gotten a little better. One thing I'm sure of, I am never going to complain about the heat in normal Bikram studios ever again. 

We finally finished Half Moon today. Wonder what Bikram will have in store for us for the rest of the week. 

Random quotes I found in my notebook today:

"HIDDEN FORCE LATENT POWER"

"Negative attitude is 9 times more powerful than positive attitude"

"The darkest place in the world is underneath the lamp"

"If I knew it was the third floor, I would not have jumped. I would have thrown her out the window!"

"Every baby in India matches secretary's face, driver's face, gardener's face..."

"You don't understand how much I love myself. The front mirror is for you. The side mirror is for me. So I can look at my hair, my triceps, my... I love looking at myself!"

"You're trying to turn on a Cadillac with a Toyota key"

"That's like making love but you forgot to remove the panties!"

Week two, day three.

Another Bollywood movie last night. Let out a little after 3 in the morning. 

More half moon. 

Uncomfortably numb today. Had a cathartic cry in the afternoon class and cried even harder when I realized I was doing this already at week two. My practice somehow originated from a place of great sadness and frustration. I miss the days when I used to enjoy my practice for what it was. 

Still trusting the process... but hoping we get out at a decent time tonight. 

Week two, day two.

Class with Emmy this morning. What a spirit! She's known for walking around during class, and since you hear her voice over the loudspeakers, you never really know where she is. All of a sudden, like a ninja, she'll just slip up behind you and start adjusting you. I haven't gotten tapped by her yet, but its always entertaining watch her sneak up on people.

Just got out of a very interesting class with Bikram. He's in such a weird mood today, its hilarious. I have never laughed so hard in a Bikram class in my life.

This morning, during the dialogue clinic, he cracked a couple jokes...

"I have so much to tell you! Even when I am dead and you come to my funeral, still I am talking. I will chase you- my ghost will chase you... and BITE you... like...DRACULA!"

Somehow he ended up on a tangent about Spine Twist Posture and how people often misunderstand the dialogue... "Tell them to touch their fucking fat ass to their ugly foot!"

And during this class we just got out of...

"When you are dead, I will be jumping on your coffin yelling, 'Lock your knee, lock your knee, lock your knee!!"

And during final stretching... "Heel close to your pussy! Now you understand! When I say 'heel close to your costume', you don't do anything, but when I say pussy, you respond!" .... and then in a high pitched voice, "Pussy pussy pussy!!"

Week two, day one.

Just got out of our evening dialogue clinic. More half moon. I'm not sure what number we're at but this posture is definitely beginning to haunt my dreams during those brief moments we are allowed to sleep.

Decent day. I think this marks the first of my normal TT days. Normal, as in it came, and went. Nothing too spectacular happened in between besides exactly what was supposed to happen. Just one of those days that, were I not documenting this now, would go completely unaccounted for. This isn't a bad thing. It wasn't an easy day, nor do I expect the days to become easier. I just think my handling of this process has become a little easier.

Somehow the fourteen hours of sleep I got this weekend didn't seem to be enough. So I'm really glad we got out at a relatively decent hour tonight. I have a feeling we'll have to pay for it tomorrow by watching a Bollywood movie or two though... No need to worry about that for now though.

Bikramism of the day:

"Bikram's balls is each 100 megatons. Atom bombs. And put together, that's 200 megatons!"

Four point Five

The days are beginning to blur together.

Just got out (1:30am... relatively early) and about to crash. Hard. Until sign-in at 8am. 

Some more Bikram quotes:

"What time is it? Son of a bitch, too many diamonds, I cannot see!"

"Muslims never get gout in their knee because they do half tortoise five times a day."

"Remember the other day I said, 'what happens if the sun comes too close to the Earth?'... I didn't say that?! Maybe I said it in Copenhagen, how should I know?"

"Physical problems, mental problems, sexual problems. By sex, I don't mean koochie-koochie sex. I mean when you fill out the paper, you choose M or W"

And to the lady, who shall remain nameless for now, who got caught sleeping tonight...

"You can sleep, I don't care. Because I ate your money already!" 

Again, what a character!

Four

Insane day. After dialogues finished at midnight last night, Bikram decided to show us a Bollywood movie. Then lectured for an hour. We ended up back in our rooms a little after 4 in the morning, only to pass out in bed and wake up three hours later for our morning class.

Emmy Cleaves taught this morning. What an inspiring and incredible teacher, I wouldn't have expected anything less from his Senior teacher. I just wish I wasn't so darn stiff and sleep-deprived to do all the postures and properly enjoy the class.

Half Moon continued in the afternoon followed by another class taught by Bikram himself. I think I'm getting the hang of this system. For the first time, I was actually able to take his class, actually practice, and fully enjoy him for who he is and what he does. I felt like for the first time at this training, I was actually able to be present, or as present as I could ever be running off of three hours of sleep.

Treated ourselves to Thai food today as a little gift. That and our mini-fridge is running a little low. So far so good. Now off to our evening dialogue clinic for more Half Moon and most probably Bikram's first official lecture. I just hope he doesn't hold us till 4 again, otherwise I just might be in bits and pieces tomorrow.

Three

Woke up today and immediately thought, "so I guess this is really happening". This was the first time the little monkeys jumping around in my brain stopped whining, complaining, and looking for an escape route, and finally just accepted the circumstances I have somehow found myself in. It was also the first time I thought about what I had to do today (take class, shower and cram lunch down within an hour, posture clinic, another class, shower and crap dinner down and nap, and posture clinic till Bikram knows when), rationalized it, and honestly believed "one step at a time, one breath at a time".

Walking into my class this morning, I just thought, "alright, bring it on". And I had a pretty good class. Well, not pretty good for my normal Bikram standards. But pretty good for my TT standards. Basically here at TT, any class that I can actually do all the postures and stay in the room for, is a good class in my book. I was pretty ecstatic about being able to finally give all my postures a shot for so long (oh floor bow how I have missed you!).

Dialogue clinics continued with more reciting Half Moon pose. I decided that I'm going to start writing down  what Bikram says, because this man is absolutely a character. He is like the Jean-Luc Godard of Yoga. Only if he heard me say that, he'd probably say something along the lines of "Fuck you, idiot. That Jean-Luc is the Bikram Choudhury of Cinema!" Here's some random things I've jotted down...

"Is Pluto really gone?? Somebody tell me..."

"You have to give your energy! What happens when your boyfriend doesn't buy you gifts? You chop the fucking balls off. You have to give more energy!"

Halfway through people reciting Half Moon, he made a girl wait about ten minutes before her turn as he proceeded to show us his collection of expensive watches.... "You give me your money and I buy this watch. I don't give a fuck if you like it or not, you follow?"

What a character.

Second class today was definitely my best one yet. A teacher named Juan taught and I absolutely fell in love with my practice all over again. He was excellent, no bullshit, yet funny at the same time. Everything, the heat, the temperature, and everything about that second class, made it a perfect Bikram class. And I'm so glad, because under any other circumstances, a double today probably would have killed me. Instead, it took me to an even better point of my practice, both mentally and physically.

Time to go to our evening dialogue clinic. Bikram had the projectors set up today, suggesting that after dialogues tonight, we will probably be watching a Bollywood movie. I'm already tired and should have napped but its too late for that now. Fingers crossed, he doesn't keep us up too late. But the days been going so damn well today that I think with my luck, we'll probably be up till at least 2 in the morning. No, no negative thoughts. One moment at a time. And all I need to do now is post this blog and get my sore little butt downstairs. And that, I'm pretty sure I can do.

Two: Half Moon!

Had another brutal class this morning, taught by Jim Kallett. Mom and I decided to give Gatorade a try right before and during class. That idea immediately came back and slapped me in the face during the spine strengthening series and for the first time in my Bikram life, I had to leave and throw up. First time for everything, and now that I've experienced that, its not really a thing to fear any more.

Today was day one of "Half Moon". 99 of us took went up to the stage and recited Half Moon Pose in front of all 400 or so people, and Bikram himself.

I decided to go today and got most of my nervousness out while waiting in line. A second wave of nervousness definitely hit me as soon as I got up there and made eye contact with Bikram. I'm totally used to public speaking, and have spoken in front of a bigger crowd. But when you have to recite Half Moon Pose verbatim to the man who wrote it, it doesn't matter how many others are watching- a little bit of stage fright, or perhaps starstruck syndrome, will probably kick in.

It's funny because if you were to simply write down the words that came out of Bikram's mouth, you would think he were a complete jackass or something worse. But somehow, when you hear him say his advice to you and others, when you actually see him saying it, all you feel is love. You can feel that from the bottom of his heart, despite the fact he's calling your dialogue "the most boring fucking thing in the world", he sincerely is rooting for you and wants to help you reach your potential as a teacher. Still, I hoped to bits and pieces that he wouldn't tear me apart in front of everyone, despite his good intentions.

I got up there and took the microphone from the person before me as they stepped in line to demonstrate my directions. After introducing myself and telling him that I was from Sacramento, he asked me where I was from originally. We had a little conversation about Taiwan and a woman who had demonstrated for us a day earlier who also half-originated from there as well. Somehow this segued into me calling my mom out, who was sitting in the crowd. "Hello Mom!" Bikram said. And I started my dialogue. Boy was my hand shaking! Some time right after the line, "Hips more forward, upper body back more, weight in heels" Bikram cut me off with an abrupt "Ok". I was so shocked, I thought I had seriously screwed up. He looked at me and said, "Excellent" and motioned for the next person. I almost peed a little, I was in such shock. And that was how I officially met Bikram.

Bikram taught our afternoon class, kicking our butts per usual. I think I'm beginning to find the right balance of what I need to do before and during class, hydration and nutrition-wise, in order to survive the 90 minutes. It really is nothing like the way I've practiced at any studio and under any other circumstance. These classes aren't really like real life Bikram classes we've been used to back at home. They warned us about it (telling us how even life-long vegetarians will find themselves craving and eating steak), and I've given it a lot of thought, but somehow actually living through it is just a whole other experience. The normal rules really don't apply here. Its interesting though, really forces you out of your comfort zone and routine. Its forcing me to wake up and go along my day without any expectations. In fact, there is no room for expectations when all you're thinking about is what is in front of you here and now.

Half Moon pose continued as we met for our evening posture clinic after dinner. My mom went up and did so well, it was incredible. She was so calm and said the dialogue so well. So proud of her! Even Bikram said she did well, though he told her afterwards that he had expected hers to be great after seeing mine. Apparently the pressure was on!

After 99 people had recited Half Moon, Bikram decided to call it a night. He initially had planned for us to watch a Bollywood movie afterwards but decided against it, letting us out at exactly midnight. Part of me wishes I were still an insomniac so I'd be better physically and mentally prepared for these long nights to come. Ironically, my Bikram practice is what helps me fall asleep early these days, and stay asleep.

I have a feeling I'm going to be sore tomorrow, after my first TT double...

One: Orientation part deux

Met Bikram this morning. What a surreal experience.

Just got out of my first class taught by Bikram. The heat was one thing, but it was damn humid. Mirrors fogging up humid. Clouds floating in the room humid.

In my experience, I have only left the room once to use the restroom. I have taken a knee a few times, but usually only during Triangle Pose. Today, I found myself taking a knee immediately after my first set of Standing Bow, leaving the room after Wind Removing Pose, and coming back after floor Bow was over to finish with some piece of dignity. Usually, no matter how terrible I feel, I am able to rationalize not leaving the room, whether it be from my stubbornness or from the fact that the urge to leave typically passes after a couple deep breaths.

Today, it seemed like the more deep breaths I took, the more I found myself not being able to control my body and mind. For the first time in my practice, the world around me seemed to pause, and I couldn't hear or register what we were being asked to do. I found myself taking a knee, deciding to get up to do the next set, and immediately facing another head rush and losing control once again. It got to the point where I realized that if I had stayed on my mat, I probably wouldn't have been able to get up to finish the series. So I left, knowing that at least I'd be able to get some air and come back and do at least some of the postures rather than none. The crazy thing is that despite missing half of the series, my towel was absolutely drenched. I have never practiced so little, yet I have also never sweat so much.

If that's what Bikram yoga really is then I have no idea what the hell I've been doing all these months. He's actually a pretty interesting character, and quite entertaining during class. I wish I had it in me to muster up some well-deserved laughs for him.

What upset me the most was that I had the best of intentions of practicing to the best of my ability today. In fact, after not practicing for a couple days, my body craved the series. I feel like a lot of us, especially those traveling from across the world, needed to do the series today, yet weren't even given a chance to. By the end of Standing Bow, at least 40% of the room had taken a knee. And it just went downhill from there. Most of the women who were in the bathroom cooling down and re-hydrating next to me also claimed that they had never left the room, or even taken a knee, before in their lives. It was like the twilight zone of Bikram classes.

Everyone I spoke to had the exact same reaction, "what the fuck?!". I'm hoping that this was just Bikram's way of tearing us apart so we leave our egos at the door, because this was the most brutal class of my life, fifty times worse than my first class less than a year ago. And at the very least thirty times worse than my actual first class ever taken, three years ago, when I decided the room was full of crazies and would never partake in this routine ever again.

I'm probably 90% speaking from yoga brain but, I'm definitely feeling lost.

Part of me is dreading tomorrow morning's class, but I just need to remind myself that I don't need to do that now. For now, my only responsibility is to sleep. And that I can certainly do. More to come.

Final page of this chapter.

Bikram yoga teacher training begins tomorrow. I will be joining hundreds of yogis as we embark on this exciting new journey. The training is nine weeks long and will probably be one of the most difficult things of my life. Those are the only expectations I have allowed myself to have.

I've been waiting for this day to come for quite a while. And tomorrow, it all begins.
What did I sign myself up for? I just started this practice less than a year ago. I feel like a pre-teen wearing her mother's heels and going to a cocktail party filled with fabulous 30 something year olds, hoping to fit in.

One of Bikram's (I get to meet him!) famous quotes: "never too late, never too old, never too bad, and never too sick, to start from scratch again".
But Boss, is it ever too early? I guess we will see.

It's all happening and I'm going to do this. I'm way too stubborn to back out now. So regardless of whatever hell is brought upon us over the next 9 weeks, I know I will walk out of that "torture chamber" a certified Bikram instructor. And it will be damn worth it.

Tomorrow marks the first page of a new chapter. A sweaty, sweaty chapter. I can smell it already.

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." 

-The Talmud

Oxford, 2009

Oxford, 2009

Taiwan, 2010

Oxford, 2009

San Luis Obispo, 2009

Oxford, 2010

Hokkaido, Japan 2010 

Hong Kong, 2009

Oxford (2010)

Self portrait with fish.

Taiwan (2009)

Coast to coast.

San Luis Obispo (2009)

New York City (2009)

To Mom

123

Taiwan (2009)

Los Angeles (2009)