Week two, day six.

Woke up this morning thinking, how the hell am I still here and doing this?! 

But then I realized that I just needed to get my but downstairs for one Bikram session and then our weekend would commence. Its funny because the second I realized that, I stopped being tired and achy. Mind over matter. 

To top it off, Michon from our studio taught today. It was just like being home again. And for some brief moments in that class, I felt like I was practicing at BYEG and enjoying the moment. What a great way to start off the weekend. 

One of Michon's commonly used quotes:

"Get out of your head, its a bad neighborhood."

Time to jam. Mom and I are so ready for some R&R&FOOD!

Week two, day five.

Oh my goodness. One more 90 minute session and then its the weekend!

Got let out last night at a fairly decent hour. Bikram said goodbye to us last night, as he is leaving soon for Japan. Jim Kallett lectured last night, breaking down the concepts of Bikram and Hatha yoga to us and telling us his own personal Bikram story. It was quite insightful and incredibly interesting viewing this practice from a more scientific and intellectual perspective. It made me understand how these 9 weeks are really just the beginning of our education in this field. That this training is merely setting the foundation of our knowledge and beliefs. That I have barely penetrated the concept of yoga and that there is just so much more out there to read, to be taught, and to absorb.

Jim left us a lot of incredibly thought-provoking lines. Here are a couple that have really stuck:

"It never gets easier. It just becomes more possible."

"Determination without patience is recklessness. Patience without determination is laziness. Together, you're powerful. Use both, and there's nothing in this life you can't do."

"Renunciation does not mean running away, but facing one's problems squarely."

"Humility leads to progress."

This morning's class was taught by Lynn Whitlow. It was hot, of course. But I managed to stay in the room. I'm starting to get used to the idea that my practice here isn't going to be as solid as what it is under normal circumstances. Its difficult, but I'm slowly beginning to accept that its ok that my practice is changing due to these extremely different circumstances we have found ourselves in.

Afternoon class was taught by one of the staff members. Patrice from Costa Mesa visited again and practiced in the back. I'm convinced she is my lucky charm because for the first time, despite the insane heat in the room, I was actually able to do all of the postures. Either that, or perhaps the good news of having the rest of the night off, gave me that extra push to keep going.

Its interesting that no matter how many ups and downs (and I had some serious downs) I had this week, at this moment in time, I'm still alright and feeling like I'm doing the right thing. I'm over worrying about how brutal it has been. Whatever happened happened and rather than wallowing in my own self pity, and I've been able to let go. One, two, three, Savasana. And that is one of the greatest gifts this training has given me thus far, the ability to move on.

Looking forward to this weekend. A well deserved massage is certainly in order. Excellent food is on the horizon. And just to top it off, I get to see a certain someone this Sunday before doing this all over again! Life is good. Life is very good.

Week two, day four.

Morning class with Emmy Cleaves. Just got out of the afternoon class with Jim Kallett.

Both classes were sweltering. I heard it was about 130 degrees today in there? I did my best and managed to stay on the mat. These classes have become my daily battles. Battling against the heat, against my body, and especially, against my mind. My practice may not have improved (in fact, I think teacher training is slowly ruining my practice), but my ability to breathe through these rough moments has gotten a little better. One thing I'm sure of, I am never going to complain about the heat in normal Bikram studios ever again. 

We finally finished Half Moon today. Wonder what Bikram will have in store for us for the rest of the week. 

Random quotes I found in my notebook today:

"HIDDEN FORCE LATENT POWER"

"Negative attitude is 9 times more powerful than positive attitude"

"The darkest place in the world is underneath the lamp"

"If I knew it was the third floor, I would not have jumped. I would have thrown her out the window!"

"Every baby in India matches secretary's face, driver's face, gardener's face..."

"You don't understand how much I love myself. The front mirror is for you. The side mirror is for me. So I can look at my hair, my triceps, my... I love looking at myself!"

"You're trying to turn on a Cadillac with a Toyota key"

"That's like making love but you forgot to remove the panties!"

Week two, day three.

Another Bollywood movie last night. Let out a little after 3 in the morning. 

More half moon. 

Uncomfortably numb today. Had a cathartic cry in the afternoon class and cried even harder when I realized I was doing this already at week two. My practice somehow originated from a place of great sadness and frustration. I miss the days when I used to enjoy my practice for what it was. 

Still trusting the process... but hoping we get out at a decent time tonight. 

Week two, day two.

Class with Emmy this morning. What a spirit! She's known for walking around during class, and since you hear her voice over the loudspeakers, you never really know where she is. All of a sudden, like a ninja, she'll just slip up behind you and start adjusting you. I haven't gotten tapped by her yet, but its always entertaining watch her sneak up on people.

Just got out of a very interesting class with Bikram. He's in such a weird mood today, its hilarious. I have never laughed so hard in a Bikram class in my life.

This morning, during the dialogue clinic, he cracked a couple jokes...

"I have so much to tell you! Even when I am dead and you come to my funeral, still I am talking. I will chase you- my ghost will chase you... and BITE you... like...DRACULA!"

Somehow he ended up on a tangent about Spine Twist Posture and how people often misunderstand the dialogue... "Tell them to touch their fucking fat ass to their ugly foot!"

And during this class we just got out of...

"When you are dead, I will be jumping on your coffin yelling, 'Lock your knee, lock your knee, lock your knee!!"

And during final stretching... "Heel close to your pussy! Now you understand! When I say 'heel close to your costume', you don't do anything, but when I say pussy, you respond!" .... and then in a high pitched voice, "Pussy pussy pussy!!"

Week two, day one.

Just got out of our evening dialogue clinic. More half moon. I'm not sure what number we're at but this posture is definitely beginning to haunt my dreams during those brief moments we are allowed to sleep.

Decent day. I think this marks the first of my normal TT days. Normal, as in it came, and went. Nothing too spectacular happened in between besides exactly what was supposed to happen. Just one of those days that, were I not documenting this now, would go completely unaccounted for. This isn't a bad thing. It wasn't an easy day, nor do I expect the days to become easier. I just think my handling of this process has become a little easier.

Somehow the fourteen hours of sleep I got this weekend didn't seem to be enough. So I'm really glad we got out at a relatively decent hour tonight. I have a feeling we'll have to pay for it tomorrow by watching a Bollywood movie or two though... No need to worry about that for now though.

Bikramism of the day:

"Bikram's balls is each 100 megatons. Atom bombs. And put together, that's 200 megatons!"

Four point Five

The days are beginning to blur together.

Just got out (1:30am... relatively early) and about to crash. Hard. Until sign-in at 8am. 

Some more Bikram quotes:

"What time is it? Son of a bitch, too many diamonds, I cannot see!"

"Muslims never get gout in their knee because they do half tortoise five times a day."

"Remember the other day I said, 'what happens if the sun comes too close to the Earth?'... I didn't say that?! Maybe I said it in Copenhagen, how should I know?"

"Physical problems, mental problems, sexual problems. By sex, I don't mean koochie-koochie sex. I mean when you fill out the paper, you choose M or W"

And to the lady, who shall remain nameless for now, who got caught sleeping tonight...

"You can sleep, I don't care. Because I ate your money already!" 

Again, what a character!

Four

Insane day. After dialogues finished at midnight last night, Bikram decided to show us a Bollywood movie. Then lectured for an hour. We ended up back in our rooms a little after 4 in the morning, only to pass out in bed and wake up three hours later for our morning class.

Emmy Cleaves taught this morning. What an inspiring and incredible teacher, I wouldn't have expected anything less from his Senior teacher. I just wish I wasn't so darn stiff and sleep-deprived to do all the postures and properly enjoy the class.

Half Moon continued in the afternoon followed by another class taught by Bikram himself. I think I'm getting the hang of this system. For the first time, I was actually able to take his class, actually practice, and fully enjoy him for who he is and what he does. I felt like for the first time at this training, I was actually able to be present, or as present as I could ever be running off of three hours of sleep.

Treated ourselves to Thai food today as a little gift. That and our mini-fridge is running a little low. So far so good. Now off to our evening dialogue clinic for more Half Moon and most probably Bikram's first official lecture. I just hope he doesn't hold us till 4 again, otherwise I just might be in bits and pieces tomorrow.

Three

Woke up today and immediately thought, "so I guess this is really happening". This was the first time the little monkeys jumping around in my brain stopped whining, complaining, and looking for an escape route, and finally just accepted the circumstances I have somehow found myself in. It was also the first time I thought about what I had to do today (take class, shower and cram lunch down within an hour, posture clinic, another class, shower and crap dinner down and nap, and posture clinic till Bikram knows when), rationalized it, and honestly believed "one step at a time, one breath at a time".

Walking into my class this morning, I just thought, "alright, bring it on". And I had a pretty good class. Well, not pretty good for my normal Bikram standards. But pretty good for my TT standards. Basically here at TT, any class that I can actually do all the postures and stay in the room for, is a good class in my book. I was pretty ecstatic about being able to finally give all my postures a shot for so long (oh floor bow how I have missed you!).

Dialogue clinics continued with more reciting Half Moon pose. I decided that I'm going to start writing down  what Bikram says, because this man is absolutely a character. He is like the Jean-Luc Godard of Yoga. Only if he heard me say that, he'd probably say something along the lines of "Fuck you, idiot. That Jean-Luc is the Bikram Choudhury of Cinema!" Here's some random things I've jotted down...

"Is Pluto really gone?? Somebody tell me..."

"You have to give your energy! What happens when your boyfriend doesn't buy you gifts? You chop the fucking balls off. You have to give more energy!"

Halfway through people reciting Half Moon, he made a girl wait about ten minutes before her turn as he proceeded to show us his collection of expensive watches.... "You give me your money and I buy this watch. I don't give a fuck if you like it or not, you follow?"

What a character.

Second class today was definitely my best one yet. A teacher named Juan taught and I absolutely fell in love with my practice all over again. He was excellent, no bullshit, yet funny at the same time. Everything, the heat, the temperature, and everything about that second class, made it a perfect Bikram class. And I'm so glad, because under any other circumstances, a double today probably would have killed me. Instead, it took me to an even better point of my practice, both mentally and physically.

Time to go to our evening dialogue clinic. Bikram had the projectors set up today, suggesting that after dialogues tonight, we will probably be watching a Bollywood movie. I'm already tired and should have napped but its too late for that now. Fingers crossed, he doesn't keep us up too late. But the days been going so damn well today that I think with my luck, we'll probably be up till at least 2 in the morning. No, no negative thoughts. One moment at a time. And all I need to do now is post this blog and get my sore little butt downstairs. And that, I'm pretty sure I can do.

Two: Half Moon!

Had another brutal class this morning, taught by Jim Kallett. Mom and I decided to give Gatorade a try right before and during class. That idea immediately came back and slapped me in the face during the spine strengthening series and for the first time in my Bikram life, I had to leave and throw up. First time for everything, and now that I've experienced that, its not really a thing to fear any more.

Today was day one of "Half Moon". 99 of us took went up to the stage and recited Half Moon Pose in front of all 400 or so people, and Bikram himself.

I decided to go today and got most of my nervousness out while waiting in line. A second wave of nervousness definitely hit me as soon as I got up there and made eye contact with Bikram. I'm totally used to public speaking, and have spoken in front of a bigger crowd. But when you have to recite Half Moon Pose verbatim to the man who wrote it, it doesn't matter how many others are watching- a little bit of stage fright, or perhaps starstruck syndrome, will probably kick in.

It's funny because if you were to simply write down the words that came out of Bikram's mouth, you would think he were a complete jackass or something worse. But somehow, when you hear him say his advice to you and others, when you actually see him saying it, all you feel is love. You can feel that from the bottom of his heart, despite the fact he's calling your dialogue "the most boring fucking thing in the world", he sincerely is rooting for you and wants to help you reach your potential as a teacher. Still, I hoped to bits and pieces that he wouldn't tear me apart in front of everyone, despite his good intentions.

I got up there and took the microphone from the person before me as they stepped in line to demonstrate my directions. After introducing myself and telling him that I was from Sacramento, he asked me where I was from originally. We had a little conversation about Taiwan and a woman who had demonstrated for us a day earlier who also half-originated from there as well. Somehow this segued into me calling my mom out, who was sitting in the crowd. "Hello Mom!" Bikram said. And I started my dialogue. Boy was my hand shaking! Some time right after the line, "Hips more forward, upper body back more, weight in heels" Bikram cut me off with an abrupt "Ok". I was so shocked, I thought I had seriously screwed up. He looked at me and said, "Excellent" and motioned for the next person. I almost peed a little, I was in such shock. And that was how I officially met Bikram.

Bikram taught our afternoon class, kicking our butts per usual. I think I'm beginning to find the right balance of what I need to do before and during class, hydration and nutrition-wise, in order to survive the 90 minutes. It really is nothing like the way I've practiced at any studio and under any other circumstance. These classes aren't really like real life Bikram classes we've been used to back at home. They warned us about it (telling us how even life-long vegetarians will find themselves craving and eating steak), and I've given it a lot of thought, but somehow actually living through it is just a whole other experience. The normal rules really don't apply here. Its interesting though, really forces you out of your comfort zone and routine. Its forcing me to wake up and go along my day without any expectations. In fact, there is no room for expectations when all you're thinking about is what is in front of you here and now.

Half Moon pose continued as we met for our evening posture clinic after dinner. My mom went up and did so well, it was incredible. She was so calm and said the dialogue so well. So proud of her! Even Bikram said she did well, though he told her afterwards that he had expected hers to be great after seeing mine. Apparently the pressure was on!

After 99 people had recited Half Moon, Bikram decided to call it a night. He initially had planned for us to watch a Bollywood movie afterwards but decided against it, letting us out at exactly midnight. Part of me wishes I were still an insomniac so I'd be better physically and mentally prepared for these long nights to come. Ironically, my Bikram practice is what helps me fall asleep early these days, and stay asleep.

I have a feeling I'm going to be sore tomorrow, after my first TT double...

One: Orientation part deux

Met Bikram this morning. What a surreal experience.

Just got out of my first class taught by Bikram. The heat was one thing, but it was damn humid. Mirrors fogging up humid. Clouds floating in the room humid.

In my experience, I have only left the room once to use the restroom. I have taken a knee a few times, but usually only during Triangle Pose. Today, I found myself taking a knee immediately after my first set of Standing Bow, leaving the room after Wind Removing Pose, and coming back after floor Bow was over to finish with some piece of dignity. Usually, no matter how terrible I feel, I am able to rationalize not leaving the room, whether it be from my stubbornness or from the fact that the urge to leave typically passes after a couple deep breaths.

Today, it seemed like the more deep breaths I took, the more I found myself not being able to control my body and mind. For the first time in my practice, the world around me seemed to pause, and I couldn't hear or register what we were being asked to do. I found myself taking a knee, deciding to get up to do the next set, and immediately facing another head rush and losing control once again. It got to the point where I realized that if I had stayed on my mat, I probably wouldn't have been able to get up to finish the series. So I left, knowing that at least I'd be able to get some air and come back and do at least some of the postures rather than none. The crazy thing is that despite missing half of the series, my towel was absolutely drenched. I have never practiced so little, yet I have also never sweat so much.

If that's what Bikram yoga really is then I have no idea what the hell I've been doing all these months. He's actually a pretty interesting character, and quite entertaining during class. I wish I had it in me to muster up some well-deserved laughs for him.

What upset me the most was that I had the best of intentions of practicing to the best of my ability today. In fact, after not practicing for a couple days, my body craved the series. I feel like a lot of us, especially those traveling from across the world, needed to do the series today, yet weren't even given a chance to. By the end of Standing Bow, at least 40% of the room had taken a knee. And it just went downhill from there. Most of the women who were in the bathroom cooling down and re-hydrating next to me also claimed that they had never left the room, or even taken a knee, before in their lives. It was like the twilight zone of Bikram classes.

Everyone I spoke to had the exact same reaction, "what the fuck?!". I'm hoping that this was just Bikram's way of tearing us apart so we leave our egos at the door, because this was the most brutal class of my life, fifty times worse than my first class less than a year ago. And at the very least thirty times worse than my actual first class ever taken, three years ago, when I decided the room was full of crazies and would never partake in this routine ever again.

I'm probably 90% speaking from yoga brain but, I'm definitely feeling lost.

Part of me is dreading tomorrow morning's class, but I just need to remind myself that I don't need to do that now. For now, my only responsibility is to sleep. And that I can certainly do. More to come.

Final page of this chapter.

Bikram yoga teacher training begins tomorrow. I will be joining hundreds of yogis as we embark on this exciting new journey. The training is nine weeks long and will probably be one of the most difficult things of my life. Those are the only expectations I have allowed myself to have.

I've been waiting for this day to come for quite a while. And tomorrow, it all begins.
What did I sign myself up for? I just started this practice less than a year ago. I feel like a pre-teen wearing her mother's heels and going to a cocktail party filled with fabulous 30 something year olds, hoping to fit in.

One of Bikram's (I get to meet him!) famous quotes: "never too late, never too old, never too bad, and never too sick, to start from scratch again".
But Boss, is it ever too early? I guess we will see.

It's all happening and I'm going to do this. I'm way too stubborn to back out now. So regardless of whatever hell is brought upon us over the next 9 weeks, I know I will walk out of that "torture chamber" a certified Bikram instructor. And it will be damn worth it.

Tomorrow marks the first page of a new chapter. A sweaty, sweaty chapter. I can smell it already.

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." 

-The Talmud